When I Look At You
[Amamatsu] After the killing game Kaede and Amami are the only survivors. All Amami wants to do is get close to her, but Kaede wants him to leave her alone. [Mentions of past Saihara x Kaede]
—
Kaede laid in her bed trying to ignore the sound of the constant buzzing noise. She groaned as she knew who responsible for blowing up her phone.
It has officially been a month since the killing game took place. There were only 2 people who escaped the game, that being herself and Amami.
Out of all people it just HAD to be him. Just thinking about him, and his stupid smug face made her insides churn. She pictured his face, and his facial expressions. The one that cake to mind first was the one he had one when he so gladly convicted her sweet Saihara.
Saihara, oh God how she missed him. It still hurts just thinking about him. Even though he murdered one of her friends she still loves him and she still wants to be with him.
Why couldn’t it have been him. Why couldn’t he still be alive, and that fucker Amami could just be rotting in hell. Saihara might have killed somebody, but he will always be a better man than him.
Kaede took a much needed deep breath. She glanced at her phone, and she hesitantly started to reach over to grab it. She looked through his messages. All of them saying “Oh we need each other right now.” or “Please answer you are the only one who understands.” God he was pathetic.
She decided responded with a simple fuck off. She was expecting for him to plead for her to talk to him like he usually does. However his response was something she wasn’t really expecting. He told her that if she went and got coffee with him he would leave her alone, for a while not forever.
There was no part of her that wanted any further contact with him at all. She didn’t want to say yes, but she thought it would be better to have a break from his constant messages. She ended up agreeing, and then he sent her where and when to meet him.
—
By the time Kaede had reached the little coffee shop she was instructed to me at she was already 45 minutes late. It would be a lie if she said it wasn’t on purpose. She even decided to walk so her arrival would be delayed even further.
She walked into the shop, and started to look around for Amami. When she didn’t see him she smiled thinking that he had it tired of waiting and left. As she turned around, she saw a glimpse of him waving at her. She groaned as she started walking towards him.
She hated herself for saying yes to this, but what other choice did she have just let the little shit keep bugging her for the rest of her life. He was sitting in a booth by the window, and he hasn’t already ordered any coffee or muffin.
“Hey,” he said smiling. Oh how it disgusted her just hearing his voice, and seeing that smile once again. She didn’t respond instead she just sat in the booty seat facing him.
“So um are you ready to order?”
Amami paid for both of their drinks. Kaede wasn’t about to let herself pay for a coffee that she would’ve never bought if he didn’t drag her here. They say in their booth for five minutes in silence. Kaede began to tap her fingers on the table out of annoyance. She wasn’t sure if she should be pissed off or relived that they weren’t talking, but the first feeling is what she was feeling the most of.
“So this it it you drag me out of my house just so we can drink coffee in silence,” Kaede said flatly. You could tell how badly she didn’t want to be there.
Amami put down his drink and tilted his head and said. “Well what would you like to talk about?”
“I don’t know you’re the one that was just DYING to see me,” Kaede said rolling her eyes.
“Well I just thought that-”
“Thought what that I was just dying to see you, that I wanted to confide in the person that got all of my boyfriend executed, THAT I WOULD WANT TO SPEND MY DAY WITH THE ONE PERSON WHO I HATE MORE THAN ANYTHING!” Kaede said with her voice was getting louder with each statement.
At this point all of the people in the shop were staring at them, but Kaede didn’t care. She was too focused on her anger towards him. Amami just kept his head low, he couldn’t look at her in the eyes after hearing that.
“Didn’t know you felt that way about me,” he said quietly.
“Of course you didn’t know what do you know, you couldn’t even take the hint that I didn’t want to be here.”
“Well then why are you here?”
“Good question,” Kaede said as she started grabbing her stuff and headed towards the door.
He went after her naturally. He was able to catch up with her fairly quick. He grabbed her shoulder as a way of getting her attention. She immediately shrugged it off, but she did turn around to face him.
“What,” she said in a very pissed off tone of voice.
“Why do you hate me, I think I at least have the right to know why you don’t like me.”
“Well for starters you have to many piercings like seriously what kinda man has that many piercings, you are a self righteous arrogant asshole, and it’s because of you my Saihara got gone,” after finishing that statement she was out of breathe.
“So what you just wanted him to get away with murdering somebody, I don’t understand why you hate me because of a choice HE made.”
Kaede looked at him straight in the eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t hate you because of that,” She paused. You could tell she was tearing up. “It’s just I will never be able to look at you and not wish it was him who was with me.” A single tear fell down her face.
She turned around and walked away from him without saying goodbye, and he just stood there letting her walk away from him.
—
It’s been 2 weeks since the coffee shop incident, and Amami kept his end of the deal. He has not tried contacting her.
Kaede found herself drinking at a local bar alone. She promised can herself just to come in for just a small drink. However once the painful memories started to replay in her kind she stayed longer.
She drank and drank until she no longer felt any pain. She felt tingly and free and she loved it. She was so drunk that she mentally replaced Amami with Saihara. She thought that he escaped the game with her instead if Amami. She even replaced the coffee shop meeting with a happy date that never happened.
She decided that she wanted to see her beloved and pulled out her phone to call him. Sober Kaede deleted all the phone numbers of her friends that died. So she dialed Amami’s number still believing that it was Saihara. He picked up the phone after the first couple of rings.
“Kaede what are you doing calling so late are you ok?” He asked with a worried tone of voice. Kaede then looked at the digital clock hanging on the wall and saw that it was 2 in the morning.
“Ah Saihara-san come see me I miss you,” Kaede said full of joy. He could tell that she had been drinking not only by the tone of voice, but she called him Saihara. That hurt him more that in should have.
“Kaede where are you?”
“Why I am at the bar by that cute little store that sells the candles.”
“Stay put I’m coming to get you.”
“Yay Saihara-san is coming to see me.”
Amami rushed to bar, and after 5 minutes of reckless driving he had arrived. He walked in to see Kaede dancing on a stool with the bartender desperately trying to get her down.
“I’ll take it from here,” Amami said shooing the bartender off. Once Kaede saw Amami she jumped into his arms.
“Saihara-san your here.” Kaede said. Amami just frowned seeing how strong beautiful woman turned into a drunken mess who now thinks that he is her dead boyfriend.
He carried her to his car and gently placed her in the front seat. He decided not to ask for her address, and instead just drove her back to his apartment so he could stop her from doing anything stupid.
Once they reached his apartment building he carried her all the way to his room, and gently placed her onto his bed. He gently kissed her forehead, and turned to walk out of the room when she said.
“I love you Saihara-san.”
Amami didn’t say anything back instead he just looked at her and smiled.
—
Kaede woke up with a pounding headache in a room she didn’t recognize. She looked down at herself to see she was dressed in her casual clothes instead of pajamas. She was a little bit relieved that she was at least wearing clothes, as it proved that she didn’t have sex with a stranger. However she was still uneasy about how she was currently in a strangers home.
She got out the bed and tiptoed to the bedroom door and cracked it so she could see if anybody was currently home. She could only see the kitchen but there was nobody in there do she decided to make a break for the door.
She was halfway there when she heard the words “Good morning.” Kaede froze and slowly turned her head to see who was talking to her.
What she saw was a shirtless Amami laying on a click under a blanket that stopped at his waist. Kaede would punish herself later for looking at him, but she couldn’t help noticing how much more muscular he was compared to Saihara.
“Why am I here?” She asked in a annoyed voice. He got up from his couch and dropped the blanket revealing his old faded pair of sweat pants.
“You called me drunk at 2 in the morning wanting me to come see you, well wanting Saihara to come see you anyways.”
“Wh-What do you mean?”
“You kept calling me Saihara, when you saw me you even thought I was him”
Kaede wanted to believe he was lying to her, and that he abducted her in her sleep but she knew he was telling the truth. Her migraine and the place she was in only helped confirm that. Kaede just sighed and turned around heading to the door.
“Wait,” he shouted. Kaede stopped but she didn’t turn around to face him.
“Stay here for a little while at least until your hangover is gone, after a night like last night your hangover is bound to be terrible.”
He was she was in no condition to walk home. But she really didn’t want to be there, especially not with him. Kaede swallowed the lump in her throat. She knew she would regret her decision later, but she really didn’t want to end up throwing up all over the sidewalk. So she turned around and nodded.
—
She had been at his apartment for a long time, and she hadn’t moved from her spot on his couch. She was wearing a pair of his shorts and an oversized shirt. And he was still wearing the same sweatpants with a plain white T-shirt loosely hanging around his neck. He was sitting on that farthest side on the couch, while Kaede was laying down with her feet placed on his legs. She was starting to recover from her hangover, but she still felt nauseous. Although she would never admit it and she didn’t know what it was, but there was something about laying there with him on the couch in a small apartment that somehow felt like home.
They were watching a marathon of an old detective show. Amami tried changing that channel because he didn’t want her to be thinking about Saihara while watching it, but she insisted that they watch it. She was fine for the most part with a few memories and thoughts here and there, but then there was an episode that hit to close to home.
It was the series finale, and the main character was dying from and injury he got from the previous episode. He was lying in a hospital bed saying his goodbyes to his friends, and then his wife walked in. They had a long emotional talk full of I won’t let you tears and emotions. She then watched as the love of her life died in front of her.
She related to that woman, after all they both had to watch their detective lovers die. She didn’t realize it, but she was crying.
“Kaede,” Amami said in a soft voice reaching to wipe away some of the hot tears on her face.
“What’s the matter?” He asked even though he felt as if he already knew the answer to that question.
At this point she was bawling. Amami shifted himself in a position where he was embracing the crying girl. She stiffened still not being used to him or his touch. However she loosened up and have into his embrace. She just cried and screamed for 10 minutes straight, and he just held her while she did it.
She eventually calmed down, and they just sat there not wanting to move. Kaede looked up at him, and started to gently rub his ear.
“Your ear,”
“What about it?”
“You took out your piercings.” She said still rubbing his ear.
“Yeah well after that comment you made about how much you hated them then I decided it was time to take them out.”
Kaede didn’t respond back, but she was still stroking his ear. She finally looked up at him and for the first time since the killing game they looked at each other in the eyes.
She wasn’t sure if he pulled her closer, or if she leaned in. She decided on a mixture of both, but that isn’t what she cared about. She was focused on the man who inches away from her face. She could now feel his breathe on her face. After what seemed for like an eternity they kissed. It wasn’t intimate or romantic, but instead it was comforting.
“Take me home,” she whispers.
He just nodded and picked her up to take her to his car. He placed her in the front seat of his car, and then got to the drivers side. She gave him directions until they reached her apartment building. He stopped in front of the building waiting for her to get out, but she didn’t. Instead she held her hands out insinuating that she wanted him to carry her. He rolled his eyes and smiled as he drove around to find a parking spot. He got out of the car, and walked around to her car door. He picked her up and closed her car door. He carried up 2 flights of stairs and went down a small hallway.
“It’s the next door down,” Kaede said yawning. She had grown very tired from all of the crying. He placed her down on the welcome matt. She dug the key out of the pocket of the pair of pants she was holding. She never changed out Amami’s clothing, but she made sure that he grabbed them on their way out.
She unlocked the door and walked into her apartment. She waved goodbye and shut the door behind her. She then went into her room and laid down in her bed. She then fell asleep in Amami’s clothing.
—
It was currently noon and Kaede was walking around her apartment. This supposed to the part where she realizes that she always loved him, but it’s in fact the opposite. Kaede was pissed.
She was pissed at him for taking advantage of her when she was weak. She was pissed at herself for giving in and staying with him, but the thing that was eating her up inside the most was the fact they she felt that she betrayed Saihara.
He hasn’t even been gone for 2 months and she let herself be kissed by another man. She wasn’t sure who she hated the most Amami or herself. She needed a drink, but she saw how that ended.
She just signed and then collapsed face down on her couch. Why should she love him anyways. Because that’s what is expected of her, because that’s what happens in all of the movies, because that’s what the universe wants them to do. Well God dammit Kaede Akamatsu refused to be apart of some stupid love cliche.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at her door. She knew damn well who was outside and she was so angry at him that she wanted nothing more to do with him. But she seems to love making decisions that she will regret later as she went to go open the door for him.
She opened the door and saw Amami holding a plastic white bag. She was mad that he showed up uninvited, but she only had herself to blame. She was the one who had to let have him carry her up to her apartment allowing him to see which one was hers.
“Hey, I got lunch,” Amami said holding up the plastic bag. She could just tell him to leave, but she hasn’t eaten anything today. So she opened her door wider to let him inside.
—
She had to admit having him inside of her apartment was a bit awkward. She didn’t know why considering she spent the the day with him yesterday. She swore she still hated him but it was slowly staring to lose it meaning.
They ate the take out lunch together while watching tv. They weren’t paying attention to it though. They were more focused on each other and the fact they haven’t spoken a word to each other since he got there.
Kaede was studying his face, as she positioned herself in the same position as last night. Once again her legs were on his lap. He turned to her and he saw that her eyes were locked onto his face.
He stated to rub his thumb up and down her foot, and she began to rub her feet against him. They kept doing this for a while except his hands were going higher and she rubbed her feet against his the now throbbing erection. They looked at each other in the eyes, and tuner their heads to the tv.
—
Neither of them were surprised that they ended up in her bedroom. She was in nothing more than her bra and panties, and he was wearing a pair of tight boxers. She didn’t care how much she would hate herself later. She wanted this, she needed this.
Their hands were all over each other’s body. She kept touching his abs, and his hands were under her now drenched panties touching her vagina.
They were kissing each other hard, only proving that there was no love involved. He removed her bra and panties, and she took off his boxers. They were both completely naked.
“Can I?”
“Mhmm,” she responded through a moan.
They are now having sex. It was just sex nothing even close to making love. This was nothing like than the times with Saihara. Her times with him were slow and romantic. But Amami it felt like she was with a real man.
She kept her eyes closed the entire time, and Amami noticed that. Although it was a little disheartening staring at a girl who never once opened her eyes he kept going.
The entire time she was picturing she was with Saihara. Not once did she picture that she was with Amami. But she still knew she was having sex with him.
She hated this. She still hated him. She hated herself for doing and enjoying this. She hated hated how she felt she was leaving everything behind Saihara. She just hated everything.
—
Kaede : We shouldn’t have done that
Amami : I know
Kaede : I think we should stop seeing each other
Amami : Ok… If that’s what you really want
Kaede : It is
It was the following night and Kaede was sitting on her couch texting Amami. She refused to lay in her bed after last night. Amami left after a very awkward morning.
She was disgusted with herself. Oh what would Saihara think of her now. She just cried for the rest of night and eventually passed out on her couch because of it.
—
It has been a week since she had last talked to Amami. She was at the grocery store buying food to get through the week. She was walking past the aisles when she saw a familiar face looking at cereal. She only paused to look at him for a second, and he spotted her during that short second. She notice he saw her and tried to keep moving forward but he got her attention before she could. He then left whatever he was doing to talk to her. Sometimes she thinks the world is out to get her.
“Hey,” he said smiling. She would refuse to admit it out loud, hell she could barley admit it to herself but she missed the sound of his voice.
“Hey,” she said happier than she expected.
“So what’s up?”
“You know just shopping.”
“I could help you with it if you want.”
“Don’t you have your own shopping to do?”
“I only have to grab a few thing so it’s no big deal.”
She really hated how persistent he was, and how he couldn’t accept that she didn’t want to see him. But she also hated the fact how she always gave into him, and this time was no exception. She gave into him.
They just had small talked while picking out groceries. They were in the aisle full of pastries. She was struggling to reach for a box that was placed on the very top shelf.
“Do you need help with that?”
“No,” she replied quickly.
Her face became red out of embarrassment. She was struggling but she refused to give up, it just wasn’t in her blood to do that. Her shirt was rising up the more that she reached leaving her soft skin exposed. Amami noticed that a couple of teenagers were staring at her. One of them even had to nerve to lick his lips. So he placed his hands around her skin, and looked right at then teenagers causing them to instantly flee from the aisle. Kaede jumped at his touch out if shock. Her face reddened even more than it already was.
“Ugh I almost had it, why did you do that?” She said stomping her foot on the ground. He had to admit she was adorable when she was angry.
“Sorry a couple of teenagers were staring at you, it was my way of making them stop.”
“I see,” you could tell she wasn’t convinced. He ended up grabbing the box that she was struggling to get with ease.
“Show off.”
He just shrugged his shoulders and started to push her shopping cart forward.
—
They just got finished checking out of the grocery store. He was helping her put bags in the trunk of her car. Once they were finished he waved goodbye and turned around. She didn’t know why but she didn’t want him to leave.
“Hey,” she said casting him to turn around.
“Would you want to um come over to my apartment,” she was just as shocked as him with her words.
“Yeah I would love to.”
—
They arrived at her apartment building around the same time. They spent the first 5 minutes unloading the bags out if her car, and then another 10 putting them away. When they were done they both just collapsed on the couch. Both of them were tired from shopping all day.
“Thanks for shopping with me by the way.”
“It’s no problem glad I could help.”
“Oh and um thanks for the stopping the teenagers for staring at me, even if your method was a bit strange.”
“Oh come on you liked it admit it.”
“So what if I did,” Kaede said with a flirtatious voice.
She hadn’t spoken like that in a long time, not since she was trying to captivate Saihara. Amami just smiled as he placed wrapped his hands around hips and pulled her close to him. She was soon laying on top of his chest. She nuzzled against his chest. She could feel his steady heart beat, and soothing that caused her eyes to grow heavy. She then fell asleep in Amami’s arms.
—
Kaede was confused with what she wanted. She wanted to hate Amami and be with Saihara, but she also wanted to spend all of her time with him and wake up with him right next to her.
She needed answers fast. She figured the only way she would get why answers was by talking to him. She called him and told him that she needed to talk to him. He got to her apartment sooner than she expected.
She welcomed him in and walked over on her couch. She patted the cousin next to her inviting him over.
“So what do we need to talk about?”
“To be honest I’m not to sure myself,”
“Then why did you call me over?”
She sat there silent ignoring his question .
“Amami,” she spoke softly. If her were any further he wouldn’t have heard her.
“Yes Kaede.”
“Why do you love me?”
“What makes you think I love you?”
Kaede’s face instantly dropped. After seeing the effect his words had in her he instantly regretted his words.
“You know it sucks loving you.”
“And whys that?” Kaede said with sadness in her voice. Amami took a deep breathe.
“It sucks that every time I think that we had a connection that we start back from square one the next time we see each other, it sucks that you always play with my emotions, it sucks how we have good times together and then you stop talking to me for weeks.”
Kaede was taken back from his words. She didn’t know what to say. So she just buried her head into her knees. He felt bad about what he said but he meant every word. He scooted closer to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.
“That’s what you wanted to hear isn’t it?” Kaede looked lifted her head up from her knees and looked at him.
“You honestly thought I wanted to hear that you hate me.”
“I know you don’t want to hear how much I love you,” He then pulled her into a hug.
“I said it sucks loving you, but I never said I ever wanted to stop,” Kaede looked at him in the eyes. After hearing that every doubt she ever had about him vanished.
“I love you Kaede Akamatsu I really do.”
“I love you to,” she said leaning in closer to him. They then shared a long passionate kiss. She then pulled him into her bedroom. She no longer had to imagine that Saihara was the one who was in bed with her because the only person she wanted to be was the person she was in bed with.
—
2 years later
The sunlight peeked through closed blinds of Kaede’s and Amami’s bedroom. The light woke up Kaede from her peaceful sleep. She slowly opened her eyes and looked to her left seeing the person who she shared the bedroom with was missing. She got out of her comfortable queen sized bed and went to the bathroom that was connected to her bedroom to freshen up.
She was brushing her teeth and was looking around in her closet for something to wear. She decided ended up deciding that she wouldn’t change out of her pajamas just yet as she was to comfortable to change. She was wearing a pair of Amami’s shorts and a shirt he got her as a gag gift. The shirt was hideous as it was a dull shade of gray with heads of famous composers all over it. She decided to keep it just to spite him for getting it.
She walked out of the bedroom to see Amami was making breakfast. He was only wearing a pair of tight black boxers and an apron. God damn he was sexy. She walked over to him and saw that he was making pancakes. He put his arm around her shoulders and kissed her forehead.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning,” Kaede said while yawning. Amami looked at what she was wearing. Her outfit was a mess but she still looked cute.
“Why do you still have that thing?”
“Oh what this,” Kaede said looking at her ugly shirt. Kaede said walking towards the couch, Amami followed her.
“It’s so ugly, you should really get rid of it.”
“Funny that’s what people always said about you,” Kaede said with a grin. Amami then picked her up and dropped her on the couch, and then positioned himself on top of her. He took off her shirt and exposed her black lacy bra.
“See you look so much better without it,” Amami said placing his hands on her breasts. Then what started out as a kiss turned into a make out session. Amami removed her shorts exposing the matching black panties, and Kaede removed the apron leaving them both in black underwear. They were literally about to have sex in the couch whenever they smelled silently burning.
“Oh shit I left the stove on!” Amami yelled as he got off of Kaede and ran to the stove. Kaede just laughed at looked at him. And every time she looked at him, she knew that he was the one who was perfect for her.
—
Well that was my story. I had a very fun time writing it and I hope you enjoy it, and I would love to hear your thoughts on it.
